


Jack fucking hates Woodes Rogers (and his stupid face and his terrible book)

by academy_x



Category: Black Sails
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 12:04:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6518614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/academy_x/pseuds/academy_x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack lives in a tall concrete building in a shitty neighbourhood, so he is surprised to see bestselling author Woodes Rogers moving in across the hall. It's hate at first sight. After a short conversation, Jack learns that Woodes is after an immersive experience, inspiration for his next book. And of course he gets delicious meals delivered and has a cleaning lady, which certainly doesn't make Jack jealous, just angry and determined to do everything in his power to makes Woodes move out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Four minds think better than one (in theory)

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [patchworkgirlofoz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/patchworkgirlofoz/pseuds/patchworkgirlofoz) in the [pirate_prompts_2016](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/pirate_prompts_2016) collection. 



> I'm writing this out of order, but posting (some of) what I have so far because I feel like the parts stand alone pretty well. It should be easy to follow as long as you have read the summary.
> 
> This was written for the Black Sails meme for this prompt:
> 
> modern au where Jack Rackham is trying to get by with 2 jobs in a crappy appartement. Except a couple of months ago this jackass named Woods Rogers moved in the room right across from his. Despite being a famous author (Jack read his book!) and having been born into wealth, the guy seems determined to slum it - for the sake of the starving artist trope, Jack is sure. Which would really go a lot better along the 'starving' lines if Woods didn't keep getting fancy meals delivered, daily. And as Anne off most nights with her girlfriend Max, and Jack's impulse control gone with her, he starts a campaign of sabotage...
> 
> can be gen or slash

If Jack has to have Woodes _Rich Bitch_ Rogers living next door for even a week more, he fears he will literally catch fire and explode. It's time for drastic measures. He has assembled a council of the smartest women he knows. They also happen to be pretty much the only women he knows who can stand to be in the same room as him for more than five minutes. Their first meeting is happening right now in his living room. Max and Anne are snuggling on his shitty couch, drinking wine to forget the disgusting stains on it. Idelle is mixing punch in the one casserole Jack owns. She adds a generous amount of vodka and some green liquid that supposedly tastes like apple.

“Everybody, focus and listen up. I need serious advice, okay? Go!” Jack says.

“Punch him.” Anne suggests.

“That's your answer to every problem.” Jack says.

“Because it solves everything.” Anne says.

Jack and Idelle roll their eyes. Max looks at her adoringly. Luckily for Anne, she finds her girlfriend's violent tendencies endearing.

“Seduce him.” Max says.

“That's _your_ answer to everything.” Jack says.

“Seduce him ...” Idelle says.

“I already suggested that!” Max snaps.

“You didn't let me finish, so shut up, okay. So as I was saying, seduce him and then steal some of his shit. Something real expensive, I bet he has a nice macbook." Idelle says. "I really need a new computer. Mine's about to crash. Wait, don't seduce him because maybe I'll do it, and I don't want him suspicious.” 

Jack groans and pours himself another drink. This is hopeless.


	2. Big beautiful forehead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this takes place before the A delicious smoothie chapter but was written after - I think I managed to get the order right chapter-wise

When Jack first meets Hudson, she is wearing a mint-green polar fleece jacket with the embroidered logo of a cleaning company. She is tall and intimidating, and her hair is pulled back in a neat bun which makes her huge forehead appear even larger. She looks so out of place that Jack has to go talk to her to sate his curiosity. It turns out that she is here to clean Woodes _F_ _ucking_ Rogers' apartment. Of course the bastard would hire a cleaning lady.

Still, no point in being rude to her, plus she might have dirt on Woodes _L_ _iteral_ _C_ _elebrity_ Rogers that Jack can use. So he walks her to the apartment and lays the classic Rackham charm on extra thick. Hudson, he learns, has two children and a hamster, enjoys painting landscapes and listening to nineties rap. Her favourite season is autumn, and her least favourite food is spaghetti and meatballs. Besides cleaning houses for rich people, she also cooks for them, washes their clothes, looks after their children and occasionally performs minor household repairs. However the most interesting fact about her, Jack thinks, is that she fucking hates all the rich bastards she works for and is happy to trash-talk them.

After she finishes cleaning, Hudson has time for a short visit, before she has to pick up her youngest from the kindergarten. Jack is a little embarrassed by the state of his place, all its sticky surfaces and dusty corners and nicotine-stained walls. Hudson doesn't even bat an eye. She has seen worse, he supposes. They drink delicious coffee (that she made on Woody's fancy french press coffee maker) and discuss public urination and the upcoming election for city council. Jack brings up the dick next door, but she has no interesting information. Unfortunately she hasn't yet realised how awful Woodes _B_ _land Face_ Rogers is, but Jack is sure that it's only a matter of time and tells her so in no uncertain terms.

“I honestly don't understand why you think he's so bad. He seems all-right to me, a little pretentious sure, but you could have worse neighbours.” Hudson says, obviously speaking from experience.

“It's the principle of the thing.” Jack says with a huff. “Now who is that Hornigold guy you mentioned earlier, he seems awful.”

Hudson laughs and tells him happily, then has to rush out the door to all her other obligations. Jack waves good-bye and shouts his phone number after her. All in all it's been a very nice afternoon. Maybe if he ends up friends with Hudson, she will bring him left-overs from all the rich people food she cooks every day. A man can dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Mrs. Hudson so of course I had to include her in this.


	3. A delicious smoothie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: this used to be chapter 2 but I'm writing out of order and then posting stuff where it fits in chronologically so now it's chapter 3 - chapter 2 (Big beautiful forehead) is the most recent chapter

Anne likes to visit at night without calling ahead. She just shows up, which never really matters because Jack isn't a responsible adult who goes to bed before midnight. They're hanging over the kitchen desk, drinking greenish-brown smoothie, homemade, from a big pitcher with two straws in it. Jack shuffles a deck of cards, letting them jump from hand to hand in that fancy way, making it obvious that he used to work at a casino. They play go fish for a while, the only cardgame Anne knows the rules of. She still loses six rounds in a row and throws her cards on the floor. Her aim is bad, and the cards land here and there. One ends up in the smoothie. She fishes it up with two fingers and holds it far away from her body. It drips on the floor.

“This is fucking disgusting! What's in it anyways?” Anne asks, more curious than horrified.

“I don't know? Green stuff. Plants. It's healthy.” Jack says.

He doesn't tell her it's made of old broccoli he bought on a whim and never ate, peanuts, brown bananas, a shitload of sugar and some instant coffee for good measure. She probably wouldn't care anyway. Jack is shit at cooking, and Anne is even worse. They originally met in the supermarket, instantly bonding because both of them were trying to buy every pack of ramen in the store.

The blender is a gift from Max (who cares about being healthy) from last christmas or maybe his birthday. It was shoved in the back of some closet unused, until he realised how potentially annoying and loud it could be. Now Jack makes smoothies whenever possible, especially at night. One day, when Charles was over, they actually blended the left-over Chinese food, just for the hell of it. Unfortunately the noise hasn't driven the smarmy woodpecker living next door out (yet).

“You wanna listen to some music? We should do that right now, okay?” Jack says.

“Jesus fuck, Jack, you hate him so much just move in with me. I got plenty room.” Anne says. She always sees straight through him.

“Fuck no! I'm not living with that hell-beast, not in this life or the next.” Jack says.

“Fuck's your problem? I thought you liked Max.” Anne asks.

“Max? What? I'm talking about your dog, darling. Ten feet tall, sharp fangs, blood-red eyes, eats children for lunch, ring a bell?” Jack says.

“Mary's ten years old, Jack. That's like being a sweet old lady in dog years. Don't be scared, she ain't harming no one.” Anne says.

“First of all, I'm _not_ scared.” Jack says. He is lying. “Second of all, let me tell you about this grandmother I once knew, she was ruthless ...”

Jack launches into a long story from his childhood that almost true. It involves grandmothers and hairnets and a ww2 hand-grenade. Anne laughs so hard green smoothie comes out of her nose. It looks disgusting, and Jack calls her Anne Snotty the rest of evening. They move to the living room and end up falling asleep on his couch, curled up together, even though Jack has a perfectly decent bed. The tv is background noise, intermingling with their snores. Some guy with a heavy german accent narrates a documentary about opera.


End file.
